Masks, Yoga, and Freedom

We made masks last month at The Well, and I waited to make one with a friend of mine here in my studio. But that moment never materialized, and tomorrow at The Well, we'll paint and decorate masks, SO this morning was now or never. Down to my studio I went. I've made "self" masks a few times, and the process is forever interesting.

First, it has to be done with no makeup on.  That's always a fearful thing for us - especially as women. Make up is probably the first mask we wear that's "acceptable". But after wearing make up for over 50 years, the makeup mask is much more familiar to me than my own face, and I'm more certainly comfortable with it than without it, especially in front of a camera.

I have discovered that mask-making is NOT the most widely attended session that I offer at The Well. It's pretty intimidating being seen publicly without my faithful, acceptable mask named Mabelline.

After being properly greased and oiled with lotion and Vaseline, the mask making begins. So how does Yoga enter the picture? Yoga has taught me how to be sensitive to what I'm feeling in my body, not just in my emotions.  So, I was very aware this morning how my body felt a little threatened as my mouth was shut.  You do know that's one of the first things a woman experiences as she attempts to become herself - her mouth is closed and she loses her voice. If what she says doesn't fit the pattern, no one listens. She's no longer heard. When she tries to give voice to what she's feeling or sensing, she's often told she's being too emotional, too loud, over sensitive, or too melodramatic. It may be that her intuitive voice is ridiculed, and if she becomes quiet to try to figure it out, she may be accused of "pouting like Grandmother". Mother and I talked about this particular statement we both lived with for most of our lives.  Poor Grandmother. Maybe she wasn't really pouting either.

Eventually the mask she begins to make to please others and to get along results in her eyes being covered. She can no longer see, and her world becomes "unreal", mostly what she dreams up in her imagination.

Even thought I've made a number of these, this morning was a little different. My mind knew I could handle this, but my body was still tentative. I noticed my heartbeat beginning to beat faster, and the instinctive breath shortening, so I began to practice "conscious breathing" that I've learned through Yoga. And as I sat and waited for the mask to dry, I was able to drop into my body and observe the contractions and resistances I felt. I've learned through Yoga and other body awareness work that contraction will eventually give way to expansion, that contraction and expansion are natural rhythms in the body, so there's no need to fear, but simply stay present to the discomfort and allow it to pass. One of our most human tendencies is to run away from discomfort, or we try to ignore it. If that doesn't work, we begin to battle it. None of that brings relief to the body, and eventually harms us, mind, body, and soul. Learning to stay with the discomfort, to notice it, to allow it, and to breath into and through it, helps my body begin to relax. Space is made for expansion.  The easiest way to get to a body sensation of relief is to become still and to consciously follow follow the breath until it relaxes. That's taken a lot of practice and time, but the practice of Yoga has been my biggest helper.

This morning, I got another chance to allow discomfort and contraction as I used my breath and waited for expansion to follow - I had trouble getting the mask to release. I've never experienced that before. And I had greased up really well, but for some reason, the mask wouldn't let go.  So, I practiced my breathing a little longer, lengthening my inhales and exhales as I slowly wiggled my face underneath, and in time, the mask broke loose - Free at Last! Some masks are easy to take off (Mabelline, for instance), but others are difficult, maybe even a little painful to remove.

But there's nothing like being loosed from the mask - both this one and the others I've worn all my life in order to get along.  The real me may not be as pretty, nor may she be "acceptable" to some I've known, but this "naked me" - this is who I want to be. 

No more masks, no more boxes, no more pretending, no more smiling just to get along. Over the last few years, I've swung like a pendulum from one extreme to the other, but the longer I walk in who I really am, the easier it gets. I've lost a few relationship, but I've gained a lot more. And I like myself a whole lot more at 64 than I did at 40 or even 50.  

I spent a little time refining my mask and tomorrow I'll paint it and gaudy it up to make it more presentable. We actually do that with our other masks, don't we. Meanwhile - another little spiritual lesson I learned this morning...when I put my mask on the window seal so the warmth of the sun could dry it, imagine my delight when I noticed the light shining through the mask.

WooHoo! When the Light shines through, there's always hope! To be continued!